Kyle Tanaka
Ms. Shigemitsu
7:30
School
Woke'n up to the dumb alarm set to six
Blindly slamming the snooze button sleepily
Hoping to squeeze another 10 minutes.
dad pounding on the door like no tomorrow
Get up, swaying side to side half awake.
Morning routine, staggering all around.
Sit in a metal car for a long hour
get to school, avoiding people you dislike
Bell rings, still fighting to stay awake now..
Try to remember what homework you did,
The ones I didn’t do, must get done now.
Schools over finally, just go home and rest.
Day after day, it is always the same
Four long years to go, one day at a time
I wrote this poem, and it is more reflective on my own feelings more then other people feel about this subject. Some people enjoy coming to school like that it is the only way in which we grow, how we interact with people. I am not demeaning that school is not needed at all to learn and mature, but I wish that there were other ways that it could be done. School is a place that our minds get fed the knowledge that we need for the real world, how to question situations correctly in order to analyze it. School is something that is mandated by the government that we must have High School education. But the feeling that I get which is repeated in the poem is that, just the same routine gets tiring after repetition over and over again. For me, a feeling of change from the everyday routine of wake up, get ready, go to school, do tests, go home, and do homework, is needed.
In the first stanza was signifying the start of everyday. Waking up to the same routine everyday is just the start of everything. The reason of being tired is because of the day before, staying up late finishing homework, playing games, watching television is all reasons why we go to sleep late, and suffer the next morning. The start of the morning is always the hardest for me, keeping on wandering all over the house and school trying to remember what I was supposed to do, and trying to keep on time to not get out of the house late to get to school on time.
Next stanza is incorporating how our day goes at school. Once again it's the same customs that we go though. School has groups of people who hang out together, some people that you like and get along with, and others you just think are the most evil of all people. Another thing that is a significant part of school is tests. The tests see your knowledge and understanding of the subject that was assigned by the teacher, and if you weren't sleeping in class to remember something. For the homework that wasn't completed the night before, you hope to find a break time before the class to scramble to finish it, because you were too tired from doing it last night. Finally when the day is done, it feels that you accomplished a great task, and but yet there’s another school day tomorrow. Which will continue for a while until we are out in the real world working with other people.
The last two lines to me are the most meaningful, because that the same routine is tiring but yet, we must persevere to keep trying and to not give up. School is the key to our future and it depends on what kind of job we get, our character that will reflect us, and how we will act. Our future is important and how we want it to turn out, will start
with our present time school. So four more long years to go, for some the time is shorter. But all of us go down the same path.
3 comments:
Woke'n up to the dumb alarm set to six
Blindly slamming the snooze button sleepily
Hoping to squeeze another 10 minutes.
dad pounding on the door like no tomorrow
Get up, swaying side to side half awake.
Morning routine, staggering all around.
Sit in a metal car for a long hour
get to school, avoiding people you dislike
Bell rings, still fighting to stay awake now..
Try to remember what homework you did,
The ones I didn’t do, must get done now.
Schools over finally, just go home and rest.
Day after day, it is always the same
Four long years to go, one day at a time
I wrote this poem, and it is more reflective on my own feelings more then how other people feel about this subject. Some people enjoy coming to school, thinking it is the only way in which we grow, how we interact with people. I am not demeaning school is not needed at all to learn and mature, but I wish there were other ways it could be done. School is a place that our minds get fed the knowledge we need for the real world, how to question situations correctly in order to analyze it. School is something that is mandated by the government as something we must have, which is a High School education. But the feeling I get which is repeated in the poem is the same routine gets tiring after repetition over and over again. For me, a feeling of change from the everyday routine of wake up, get ready, go to school, do tests, go home, and do homework, is needed.
The first stanza was signifying the start of everyday. Waking up to the same routine everyday is just the start of everything. The reason of being tired is because of the day before, staying up late finishing homework, playing games, watching television is all reasons why we go to sleep late, and suffer the next morning. The start of the morning is always the hardest for me, wandering all over the house, and school trying to remember what I was supposed to do, and trying to keep on time to not get out of the house late to get to school on time.
Next stanza is incorporating how our day goes at school. Once again it's the same customs that we go though. School has groups of people who hang out together, some people you like and get along with, and others you just think are the most evil of all people. Another thing that is a significant part of school is tests. The tests proclaim your knowledge and understanding of the subject that was assigned by the teacher, if you weren't sleeping in class. For the homework that wasn't completed the night before, you hope to find a break time before the class to scramble to finish it, because you were too tired from doing it last night. Finally when the day is done, it feels that you accomplished a great task, and but yet there’s another school day tomorrow. Which will continue for a while until we are out in the real world working with other people. (Won't the routine just convert to going to work instead of school?)
The last two lines to me are the most meaningful, because that the same routine is tiring but yet, we must persevere to keep trying and to not give up. School is the key to our future and it depends on what kind of job we get, our character that will reflect us, and how we will act. Our future is important and how we want it to turn out, will start with our present time which is school. So four more long years to go, for some the time is shorter. But all of us go down the same path, but don't end up at the same destination. (good job. I like how you show the silver lining to waking up to go to school everyday after you talk about not wanting to and thinking it isn't worth it. Most of your paper is clear, only some places hi-lighted in blue are some suggestions on grammar. This analysis is really good relating your sonnet to everyone. After all, no one like a routine. )
Main Message-20
Clarification-16
Technique-17
Fluency -15
Voice-18
Total: 86
Hey Kyle,
Your sonnet analysis kind of made sense, but I must say, I had a really hard time trying to correct most of the grammatical errors. So, if you dont understand them on this blogger comment, just check your epunahou email and download the color version. I changed from high-lighting errors to different text color for errors but that doesnt mean anything different. Talk to me later if you still don't understand my corrections :)
School
Woke'n (there is no need for the ‘ in “Woken”) up to the dumb alarm set to six (11 syllables)
Blindly slamming the snooze button sleepily (11 syllables)
Hoping to squeeze another 10 minutes.
dad pounding on the door like no tomorrow (11 syllables)
Get up, swaying side to side half awake.
Morning routine, staggering all around.
Sit in a metal car for a long hour
get to school, avoiding people you dislike (11 syllables)
Bell rings, still fighting to stay awake now.
Try to remember what homework you did,
The ones I didn’t do, must get done now.
School’s over finally, just go home and rest. (11 syllables)
Day after day, it is always the same
Four long years to go, one day at a time
(Kyle, did you ever even change this?! If you want, you can leave your sonnet this way, but if you could, I think it would sound better “10 syllables per line”.)
I wrote this poem (of course you wrote this poem, there is no need to say so), (My sonnet, School), is more reflective (on of) my own feelings more (so) th(a)n other people(’s) feel(ings) on this subject. Some people enjoy coming to school like that (as if) it is the only way in which we grow and how we interact with people. I am not demeaning (?? demeaning is not the right word for this. Maybe “I am not saying that…”) that school is not needed at all to learn and mature, but I wish that there were other ways that it could be done. School is a place that our minds get fed the knowledge that we need for the real world(. We are taught) how to question (and analyze) situations correctly in order to analyze it. School is something that is mandated (use a different word, “mandate” means that the government allows school) by the government (that we must have High School education). But the feeling that I get, which is (repeated in the focus of my) poem(,) is that (just) the same routine gets tiring after (x number of years). ( It is the same thing repetition) over and over again. For me, (a feeling of change something unlike from) the everyday routine (of wake up, get ready, go to school, do tests, go home, and do homework) is needed. (that correction meant that you should put the whole “wake up, get ready…” line in parentheses.)
(In T)he first stanza was signifying the start of everyday. Waking up to the same routine (everyday day after day) is just the start of everything. The reason (of for) being tired is because of the day before(.) (S)taying up late finishing homework, playing games, (&) watching television is (all the) reasons why (we I) go to sleep late, and suffer the next morning. (I know this is the explanation of your entire poem, but I have a suggestion; why don’t you just cut back on the games and television? They are unnecessary and take away from your sleeping time. You have no one but yourself to blame for your lack of sleep.) The (start of the) morning is always the hardest for me, (keeping on) wandering all over the house and school trying to remember what I was supposed to do(.) (and trying I also must try) to (keep on time to not) get out of the house (on time late to get to school on time).
(The) Next stanza (is incorporating incorporates) how our day goes at school. Once again(,) it's the same customs that we go though. (this entire sentence does not make sense. You may just want to cut the whole thing.) (School has At school, there are) groups of people who hang out together(.) (There are) some people that you like and get along with, and others (that) you just think are the most evil of all people. Another thing that is a significant part of school is tests. The tests (see are an assessment of) your knowledge and understanding of the (subject concept) that was (assigned covered) by the teacher(.) (and hopefully) you weren't sleeping in class (to remember something). For the homework that wasn't completed the night before, you hope to find a break time before the class to scramble to finish it, because you were too tired (from to doing) it last night. Finally(,) when the day is done, it feels that you accomplished a great task, (and but) yet there’s another school day tomorrow (w)hich will continue for a while until we are out in the real world working with other people.
The last two lines(,) to me(,) are the most meaningful, because (that) the same routine is tiring (but and) yet, we must persevere (to keep trying) and (to) not give up. School is the key to our future and it depends on what kind of job we get (school does not depend on what job we get Kyle, it is the other way around.), our character that will reflect us, and how we will act. Our future is important and how we want it to turn out, will start with our (present time in) school. So four more long years to go, for some the time is shorter. But all of us go down the same path. (Woah wait, we do NOT all go down the same path. This last comment opposes your entire analysis! The path you end up taking depends on what you make of your time in school now.)
CB: Anita Goo
Grading scale:
15 Message and support
16 Clarity
10 Fluency
10 Technique
18 Voice
TOTAL:69/100
Please use the corrections that I am giving you!!
Kyle Tanaka
Ms. Shigemitsu
7:30
School
Woke'n up to the dumb alarm set to six
Blindly slamming the snooze button sleepily
Hoping to squeeze another 10 minutes.
dad pounding on the door like no tomorrow(Dad)
Get up, swaying side to side half awake.
Morning routine, staggering all around.
Sit in a metal car for a long hour
get to school, avoiding people you dislike
Bell rings, still fighting to stay awake now..
Try to remember what homework you did,
The ones I didn’t do, must get done now.
Schools over finally, just go home and rest.
Day after day, it is always the same
Four long years to go, one day at a time
I wrote this poem, (I think that you should delete this because it is obvious that you wrote it.) and it is more reflective on my own feelings more then other people feel about this subject. Some people enjoy coming to school(,) like that it is the only way in which we grow(and/or) how we interact with people.(This sentence is awkward, revise) I am not demeaning that school is not needed at all to learn and mature, but I wish that there were other ways that it could be done. School is a place that our minds get fed the knowledge that we need for the real world, how to question situations correctly in order to analyze it. School is something that is mandated by the government(add a comma or something?) that we must have High School education. But the feeling that I get which is repeated in the poem is that, just the same routine gets tiring after repetition over and over again. For me, a feeling of change from the everyday routine of wake up, get ready, go to school, do tests, go home, and do homework, is needed. (Wow, you really have a strong opinion on this and you caught my attention.)
In the first stanza (, it )was signifying the start of everyday. Waking up to the same routine everyday is just the start of everything. The reason of being tired is because of the day before, staying up late finishing homework, playing games, watching television is all reasons why we go to sleep late, and suffer the next morning. The start of the morning is always the hardest for me, keeping on wandering all over the house and school trying to remember what I was supposed to do, and trying to keep on time to not get out of the house late to get to school on time.(This is definitely a run on sentence and gets very confusing. You should break it down into two clear thoughts.)
Next stanza is incorporating how our day goes at school. Once again it's the same customs that we go though. School has groups of people who hang out together, some people that you like and get along with, and others you just think are the most evil of all people. Another thing that is a significant part of school is tests. The tests see(change the word “see”) your knowledge and understanding of the subject that was assigned by the teacher, and if you weren't sleeping in class to remember something. (This is a rambling sentence that needs to be reorganized)For the homework that wasn't completed the night before, you hope to find a break time before the class to scramble to finish it, because you were too tired from doing it last night. Finally when the day is done, it feels that you accomplished a great task, and but yet there’s another school day tomorrow. Which will continue for a while until we are out in the real world working with other people. (Working at most normal jobs will basically follow this same boring schedule)(Plus, this is not even a complete sentence, because you start off with the phrase “which will continue”)
The last two lines to me are the most meaningful, because that the same routine is tiring but yet, we must persevere to keep trying and to not give up. School is the key to our future and it depends on what kind of job we get, our character that will reflect us, and how we will act. Our future is important and how we want it to turn out, will start
with our present time school. So four more long years to go, for some the time is shorter. But all of us go down the same path.
Kyle, I liked reading your sonnet, but your analysis was full of grammatical errors and awkward sentences. I could understand your point, but I had to reread the sentences many times because they did not flow very well. I tried to point out as many weird sentences as I could, and they can be found in parenthesis throughout your paper. Also, this analysis did not really include any more in-depth information or personal life experiences, and it just seemed like a dragged out sonnet. Since you talk about how this is your personal opinion in the opening paragraph, I think this trend should carry out through the rest of your paper. Adding in more true stories about how these lines relate to your everyday life will make the paper come alive and keep the reader more interested. I hope this helps. Here is your grade.
Message/Support: 15
Clarity: 15
Technique(Word choice, grammar): 10
Fluency/Organization: 17
Voice (Style): 16
Total: 73
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